Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Waiting for change

My academic career is rapidly coming to a close.

The library I'm creating at work has a vi sable end in sight.

Soon, I will be free and able to be something other than a file clerk.

A change, it is a'coming.

I'm not great with change. Specifically, I'm not great with making the decisions that come with and result from change. I wait. I dither. I over think and worry. Sometimes I do this so successfully I change my brain chemistry and end up forgetting to get out of bed or leave the house. At least for this change, I'm pre-medicated.

I haven't heard about the NLM fellowship and I won't for a few more weeks. But, be that a yes or a no, I'm going to have to make some significant changes.

A full time job.
A new workplace.
New co-workers.
New job duties.

I think I can handle all that. Well, the full time job thing might be an issue. It's been two years since I've have to get up at 6 am five days in a row and I do like my sleeping-in time.

No, there is one big, scary change that is probably going to happen in the next 6 months. A change that is freaking me out enough to notice that the dithering and worrying are starting up again. Some day in the not too distant future, I'm going to move back to the East Coast. I don't know where and I don't know when, I just know it's past time for me to do it.

If I get the fellowship it will be easy. Well, easier. If I don't get it, I'll need to start a job search from the other side of the country. Or move without a job and with savings that have been decimated by the past two years of under-employment [Not that working for Sarah wasn't great and not that I'm not extremely grateful to her for it. But it was a part-time thing.]

I hate moving. I'm not good at it. I have too much stuff. I fret about the small things. It's not fun.

But that's not the big problem. The big problem is leaving my friends.

I moved to Arizona in 1999. The only person I knew was my boyfriend and, by default, his friends became my friends. When he left for a 6 month job in Saudi Arabia in 2002, his friends all promised to be there for me and then they all disappeared. I didn't miss them. And I realized I didn't miss him either, so we broke up.

I moved to an apartment in Chandler. I made few sorta-friends but we didn't have too much in common. I wasn't horribly lonely but I wasn't completely happy either.

Then, about 4 years ago I started crocheting. I joined the local SnB shortly thereafter and a few months after that I started making some real friends. It took me while because I'm not the most outgoing person but gradually I realized I was now part of a group of smart, friendly women (and a few guys) and I was actually happy. I had friends I had too much in common with (aka my long-lost sister Mel) and some I probably would have never crossed paths with in any other way.

When I lost my job two years ago, if it hadn't been for my new friends I would have left for PA in a heartbeat. Tail between my legs, living in my parent's basement. But suddenly I had a support system out here and I was able to tough it out. Every link in my sidebar leads to someone who has made an impact on my life in some way. Some were large, some were small, some probably don't even know they did anything. But they all did. And two years later I'm about to start on a new career path. I couldn't have done it without them. They listened to me, made me leave the house, made me laugh, found me jobs, gave me good advice and helped me grow into someone I would never thought I could be.

And someday soon, I'm going to have to say goodbye to them. And it's breaking my heart.


Nancy said...

Ahhh, you've got me all sniffly! Is it too soon to say I'm gonna miss you!!


Deneen said...

Gawd your post made me all sniffly and such. I remember those changes you are talking about and how tough they seemed to be, but looking back-it made me stronger. Of course, I didn't have a support system like you have now, so I imagine it'll make it tougher, but your gonna be okay-I swear.

New career, time for the next phase......

Hugs to you

Sarah HB said...

Um, you did not have to put that part about working for me in the post...I knew you did not mean anything negative. ;)))

Change is hard...believe me, I know but we have to do it, whether we like it or not.

I KNEW Lucy needed a travel water bowl. ;)

Good luck with the decisions

noricum said...

*hugs* leaving friends and a great SNB is hard... but at least your online friends will still be with you! My best recommendation is to search out a new SNB in PA... new friends won't be far behind. You'll still miss the old ones, but having new ones helps!

eva said...

And don't forget, you already have friends out East who will be so excited when you're here!

Mel said...

Sniff! SnB has been a great support system for many of us. I can't imagine what my life would be like right now without it. I don't deal with change well either, but Sarah's right... We have to do it. And, hey, then I can travel to other exotic locations besides Detroit!

Robknits said...

Change is hard. But you will be able to connect with plenty of us knitter-librarians here in PA as well.

AntiChristy said...

Was doing a bit of web surfing, and came across your site. Read your post about your upcoming life changes... and it struck a chord for me. My SO is trying to get a job in NC. If he gets it, I'll have to leave my job, and my family and my home behind, and journey to a new place where don't know anyone and won't have anyone close.

I know how hard change can be. I get so depressed at having to make those big decisions. It's terrible. I'm always worried that I'll make the biggest mistake of my life, and won't be able to find my way 'home'.

Anyway, I know you don't know me, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. There are other people out there (even one's you don't know) who are going thru the same kinds of things you are.

Good Luck.