Waiting for change

My academic career is rapidly coming to a close.

The library I'm creating at work has a vi sable end in sight.

Soon, I will be free and able to be something other than a file clerk.

A change, it is a'coming.

I'm not great with change. Specifically, I'm not great with making the decisions that come with and result from change. I wait. I dither. I over think and worry. Sometimes I do this so successfully I change my brain chemistry and end up forgetting to get out of bed or leave the house. At least for this change, I'm pre-medicated.

I haven't heard about the NLM fellowship and I won't for a few more weeks. But, be that a yes or a no, I'm going to have to make some significant changes.

A full time job.
A new workplace.
New co-workers.
New job duties.

I think I can handle all that. Well, the full time job thing might be an issue. It's been two years since I've have to get up at 6 am five days in a row and I do like my sleeping-in time.

No, there is one big, scary change that is probably going to happen in the next 6 months. A change that is freaking me out enough to notice that the dithering and worrying are starting up again. Some day in the not too distant future, I'm going to move back to the East Coast. I don't know where and I don't know when, I just know it's past time for me to do it.

If I get the fellowship it will be easy. Well, easier. If I don't get it, I'll need to start a job search from the other side of the country. Or move without a job and with savings that have been decimated by the past two years of under-employment [Not that working for Sarah wasn't great and not that I'm not extremely grateful to her for it. But it was a part-time thing.]

I hate moving. I'm not good at it. I have too much stuff. I fret about the small things. It's not fun.

But that's not the big problem. The big problem is leaving my friends.

I moved to Arizona in 1999. The only person I knew was my boyfriend and, by default, his friends became my friends. When he left for a 6 month job in Saudi Arabia in 2002, his friends all promised to be there for me and then they all disappeared. I didn't miss them. And I realized I didn't miss him either, so we broke up.

I moved to an apartment in Chandler. I made few sorta-friends but we didn't have too much in common. I wasn't horribly lonely but I wasn't completely happy either.

Then, about 4 years ago I started crocheting. I joined the local SnB shortly thereafter and a few months after that I started making some real friends. It took me while because I'm not the most outgoing person but gradually I realized I was now part of a group of smart, friendly women (and a few guys) and I was actually happy. I had friends I had too much in common with (aka my long-lost sister Mel) and some I probably would have never crossed paths with in any other way.

When I lost my job two years ago, if it hadn't been for my new friends I would have left for PA in a heartbeat. Tail between my legs, living in my parent's basement. But suddenly I had a support system out here and I was able to tough it out. Every link in my sidebar leads to someone who has made an impact on my life in some way. Some were large, some were small, some probably don't even know they did anything. But they all did. And two years later I'm about to start on a new career path. I couldn't have done it without them. They listened to me, made me leave the house, made me laugh, found me jobs, gave me good advice and helped me grow into someone I would never thought I could be.

And someday soon, I'm going to have to say goodbye to them. And it's breaking my heart.