For decades the devoted have traveled to Loch Ness in Scotland. Their goal? To finally, conclusively, document that there truly is a monster in the loch. So far "Nessie", as she is know to the faithful, has remained elusive, only making brief, blurry appearances, rather like Thomas Pynchon or Michael Nesmith. But the hunters remain undeterred.
Lately, Nessie rumors have been spreading like wildfire across the internet, jumping from conspiracy chat rooms to myth-busting blogs to the Odd News section of CNN.com. It seems that Nessie has resurfaced...but she has apparently taken a dislike to the cold, dark waters of Loch Ness. Why else would she suddenly begin appearing in Chandler, Arizona?
Our journey starts at her last known address, a patch of rhododendron on the outskirts of town. We caught a glimpse of something but it was not distinct enough for a positive identification.
A few exhausting hours later; another sighting, just enough to re-whet our appetite for the hunt.
And then nothing. Days passed with not even a mockingly green leaf blowing across our path. For inspiration we re-examined our model; the most accurate representation known to modern man.
"The beast looks something like this, only without the saucy T-shirt." one of our investigators was heard to pronounce.
"And this is what she looks like after a hard night of tequila shooters" making reference to the creature's well-known love of the Mexican alcohol.
Maybe it was the Jose Cuervo bait that was laid out or maybe it was just a happy conscience, but suddenly Nessie was being sighted everywhere.
She appears to have a sense of humor about being pursued, popping up in the most unlikely locations.
With the promise of cold, frosty margaritas, we were able to convince Nessie to pose for some more formal photographs.
So our long search has come to an end and the age-old question has been definitively answered: Nessie does exist. She's alive and well (and quite soused) in the Sonoran Desert.
The producers would like to thank our sponsors. Without the generous contributions of the LucyLu Foundation, this mystery would likely have remained unsolved.
The producers would also like to thank Ms. Lucy for her restraint in not ripping Nessie's head off during the photo shoot or absconding with her into the living room for ritual disembowelment. It was greatly appreciated.